Walter

I have been at my new teaching position for 3 weeks now. Incoming freshmen, 1600. Exiting Seniors, 600. Need I say more?

Walter had been pointed out to me as a kid who nobody likes; he's chubby; they love to pick on him. He's been inappropriate and disruptive only because when they pick on him randomly, he fights back like he's punching his way out of a paper bag.

Yesterday, Walter was playing with a gameboy, a kid in the back of the room quietly pointed him out to me. I was almost going to ignore it and just let him keep playing (at least he was not interrupting me), but I somehow felt that I had to do something to uphold the school rule that if you have anything electronic out (cell phone, beeper, CD or mp3 player, video game player) the teacher must take it away.

I swooped in and asked Walter to give it to me. The kids were watching, and telling him he had to give it to me, and he did.

After class, he came up to me. "Please Ms. R, please give it back to me." Your mother will have to come to school to get it. "Please Ms. R, I don't want to give my mother any trouble. She has diabetes and she might die if she had to walk up these stairs. Please Ms. R, I do my work." (3rd floor; it is kind of breathtaking, but sorry, not my problem.) "Please Ms. R, it's not mine. I have to give it back to someone." (Not my problem, you've been disrupting me since day one and I'm sick of it.) "Please Ms. R, (crying now and almost throwing up onto my desk) you don't know how sick I am." (I can see that you are not well, just don't throw up on me, go to the garbage can by the door.) Please Ms. R., I have this breathing problem, when I take a shower I get hot outside and cold inside and I have trouble breathing. When I was little my mom dressed me in a rabbit suit and I got a fever and she rushed me into the shower and now whenever I take a shower it happens again and I dream about it all the time and I'm always so afraid and I've never told anyhone, not even my mom...."

OMG. I've just witnessed a kid spontaneously releasing a trauma.

What do you mean the gameboy belongs to someone else?
"I have this friend who's poor, you know, poor. And he can't afford to buy a gameboy so I lend it to him every friday and every Wednesday so he can play. And I was going to sell it to him today, and he got permission from his mom to buy it and I'm supposed to bring it to him today.
(Is this kid snowing me or what?)

So how much are you selling it to him for?
"Thirty dollars."
How much did you pay for it?
"Seventy dollars."
What are you going to do with the money?
"I'm going to start a savings account and when I get older I'm going to buy houses and sell them. You know, real estate? My mom teaches me. She goes on line and finds things and she teaches me."

(Walter, you really know what to say to get a teacher to do what you want.)
OK. But you have to write me a note, you have to let me know what happens with the sale and you have to let me know what happens with your breathing and with your mom.

"OK Ms. R. Can you lend me some money?"

I see. This kid was snowing me the whole time. Feeding me a string of lies. Not even grateful when I give it back to him whereas two minutes ago, he was crying so much he almost threw up. "I won't throw up, Ms. R."

No, I don't have any money to lend you. Go.

I hand it over. Hmmm. Will I get a note from him? Did he really release a trauma that has been affecting his behavior for all these years? Will he be a changed person? Or is this the continuation of a lifelong pattern of crying, lying, denying?

Speak Out -- What for?

Last night while waiting for Larry King's 3 hour special, "How You Can Help," I chanced upon the video clip of Kanye West's statement during the MSNBC fundraiser. He stood before the camera, next to Mike Myers, and said, "I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see a black family, it says they're looting. See a white family, it says they're looking for food." (scroll down this page to Brian Williams Sept 2 entry for a side by side photo and caption illustration of the point.)

He also said, "We already realized a lot of the people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way, and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us." But his last comment, before they cut away to an awkward and somewhat shocked and surprised Chris Tucker, was, "George Bush doesn't care about black people."

Given Kanye's background, as glimpsed in his song Never Let Me Down,

"I get down for my grandfather who took my momma
Made her sit in that seat where white folks aint wanna us to eat
At the tender age of 6 she was arrested for the sit in
With that in my blood i was born to be different..."

it's not surprising that Kanye would feel a responsibility to voice these concerns. What struck me most was how he looked; how he sounded. When he raps he sounds full of force and humor. But standing there before the cameras, he seemed like he was having breathing problems; you could almost see his heart pounding so hard that it was a huge challenge to speak or even to see.

This opportunity to voice his ideas in a different arena, I'm quite sure, intensified his awareness. To whom was he responsible in saying these things? How did it feel to make a blanket generalization about George Bush's feelings towards black people? He didn't look angry or high on irony (as his songs are), he looked like a child in pain.

I imagine that on reflection, he felt regret that he didn't instead focus on the heroism of people helping one another, on the massive job to be done and the massive courage of those doing their part. And one other note: how interesting that the "How You Can Help" show scheduled musical interludes in between reports and interviews and phone and website postings. As in village life, through the medium of television we viewers commune, share our pain, and are healed through the balm of our shared music.

Being Silent Will Not Keep You Safe

Yesterday's bumper sticker, a prophecy coming true within less than 24 hours.

Last night Kanye West made some comments that "were not the opinion of the NBC Network" but nevertheless were aired during the NBC fund raising concert, as well as picked up by at least Yahoo News, and mentioned in many other editorials, commentaries, reports. What did he say?

"I hate the way the news shows black people looting, but they show white people trying to get food... This country hates black people..."

My son and I had made similar observations of such racism in the news coverage. Why indeed, every time they focused on the issue of looting, did they show African Americans? Why were so many of those left behind African American? Look at how this country treats its poor. The most subtle suggestion that poor people are predominantly African American. And other such thoughts.

Looks like even though Kanye's comment was dangerously close to Michael Moore's outburst against Bush during the Oscars a couple of years ago, Kanye's comments have been taken to heart. Rather than shocking and creating distance, people absorbed them and are responding.

Now images of African Americans on the news coverage of Katrina's aftermath are positive... reunions, acts of courage, Good Samaritan reasons for staying behind rather than evacuating...

Who can fault the police and emergency workers who bolted, handed in their badges? When the federal and state governments, whose responsibility it is to provide infrastructure for delivering help during emergency situations, does nothing for four days, you're working feverishly with no backup, no support, no net. You exhaust yourself. You question what good you can actually do.

The disparity between the suffering in New Orleans and the suffering along the Gulf Coast is magnified. Couples in Gulf Coast towns practically stroll among the ruins of their 4000 square foot homes, crying to reporters they've lost everything. I feel for you, but excuse me, your suffering is nothing compared to living in cramped crowded conditions in sewage with no water, no food, intense heat, being preyed upon by thugs for 5 days.

Staff at Tulane University Hospital evacuated yesterday afternoon. Right across the street is the public hospital where seriously diseased people are living in aforementioned conditions, with no medicine, no sanitation, no water. Why are healthy staff being evacuated while sick people are allowed to fester?

Yet the thing that brings joy to my heart is the most recent influx of help; generals and commanders directing their troops, picking up babies, delivering food, water, planning how to supply what is needed. How to help is the basic question on everyone's minds. Answers will come; we will help. We are witnessing a healing the likes of which this country has never seen and which is sure to change the course of history.

Forgiveness, Part II

A Process Model of Forgiveness

Developmental psychologist Robert Enright provides a process model of forgiveness that could be applied to forgiveness interventions with individuals or groups.

In an article in the Chronicle of Higher Education (Heller, 1998), he outlines the following nine steps toward forgiveness:

1.. Acknowledge your emotions. Whether you are angry, hurt, ashamed, or embarrassed (or some combination of the above), acknowledge your emotional reaction to the wrongdoing.

2.. Go beyond identifying the person who hurt you and articulate the specific behaviors that upset or hurt you.

3.. Make the choice to forgive.

4.. Explain to yourself why you made the decision to forgive. Your reasons can be as practical as wanting to be free of the anger so that you can concentrate better at work.

5.. Attempt to "walk in the shoes" of the other person. Consider that person's vulnerabilities.

6.. Make a commitment to not pass along the pain you have endured-even to the person who hurt you in the first place.

7.. Decide instead to offer the world mercy and goodwill. At this stage, you may wish to reconcile with the other person (but that's not necessary).

8.. Reflect on how it feels to let go of a grudge. Find meaning in the suffering you experienced and overcame.

9.. Discover the paradox of forgiveness: As you give the gift of forgiveness to others, you receive the gift of peace.

This was taken from AHC Newsletter, available at: www.coachingtowardhappiness.com

Heavy Heart

Watching today's events in the Gulf, I am devastated. People are enduring such suffering. Our President and federal government seem to be neglecting the situation, being so busy with Iraq and other foreign matters. Reporters repeating they never imagined they'd see such conditions on our own soil--these sort of conditions exist only in the "third world."

I grieve for the suffering. I imagine the heat, the lack of water, the lack of sanitation, human excrement floating with dead bodies in the flood water. It's almost too gruesome to write about. And then vigilantes try to commandeer an emergency service vehicle which is attempting to evacuate those in critical condition so they can drive away from the suffering.

I can understand looting. In times of need when no one is watching the store, take what you need. It should be open to everyone, especially those left behind. But when you abandon the courtesies of women, children, elderly and frail folks going before you, what have you been reduced to?

What makes me sad is that it seems God has abandoned these people. Where is His glory? Where is His abundant supply for those in need? How will God demonstrate His miracles here?

The phone rings. Red Cross asking me to donate blood. Well that's one thing I can do. But what else?